Little Habib reading his " Solat " book with me before bed time. .
" Oh Little Habib....
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Do you know that Ummi has been rather worried for your behaviour of late.
At first, Ummi thought it was normal...for a toddler to like throwing things...
But after last night, boy, you are really one stubborn boy....
Is it because you want more attention?
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You see boy, throwing things...breakable things is wrong...
You have this habit of throwing things which are dangerous and breakable.
You have thrown most of Dadi's decorations, plates, bowls, spectacles, Tv Controllers
and most lately, you climb all the way up the stairs, reach your hand up to the ceiling light,
yank the light bulb up from the light hole and throw the light bulb down the stairs.
Don't you know that if the switch was on, you could have been electrocuted ? *God Forbid*
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Ummi have tried counselling you,
Dada have even taken out his belt and hit you lightly 3 times and everytime we do that, you seem to understand that you cannot pull the light bulb as there is electric current.
You say " no cannot touch, not toy , got current "...
But later on, when no one is looking, you do it again.
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Last night, after repeated warnings, you rushed up the stairs , pull the new light bulb and throw it down the stairs again.
This time the light bulb broke! Mamu Bab had no choice but to show it to Dada.
Dada was really furious and he blamed it on Ummi for not being pro-active in watching out for you.
Tell me how pro active can Ummi be with a fast moving toddler at this stage of Ummi's pregancy?
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Dada told Ummi to buy a cane as this habit has to stop at once!
Dada says this is deviant behaviour and not something normal toddlers do...
Dada, the man who spoils you with sooo much love, now cannot stand this behaviour too!
Oh look what you've done !
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Ummi try not to cane you..
Ummi try to use counselling and explaining method
Ummi ever showed you the belt and you waived your hands to tell me dont use it because you were scared.
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It breaks Ummi's heart to beat you but if you keep throwing things around, maybe to get more attention, It looks as if The Cane has to make its appearance in our household.
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Abah has agreed on getting 2 canes! Abah says beating is the right way, since counselling and beating you with our hands does not help.
Just one cane on the hand on your palms and lets see if the pain of the Rattan cane will deter anymore of this naughty behaviour.
You have reached a stage whereby neither Ummi or Dadi can save you from the cane.
We have to do this before the electric current gets you instead.
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It breaks my heart, you know that...
Because when Dada says this is deviant behaviour,
deeps down Ummi's heart, Ummi know you are a sweet boy...
You are sweet. There are times where you just melt Ummi's heart.
There are times where you comfort Ummi instead.
There are times when you talk to Ummi as if you are the grown up and Ummi is the baby.
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Because when you are at our house, you are obedient, and you watch the TV with us.
Your favourite programme is Animal Planet.
At bedtime, you read all your Doa's with Ummi and we read your books,
and you drink your milk, and you hug Ummi to sleep.
You always ask Ummi to read Wa Duha and Wal' Asri for you.
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Ummi have no problems when you are at our house.
But when you are at Dada and Dadi's house, with your grandparents and Aunty Mas and Mamu's around, you suddenly become this little Rascal,
always looking for attention and plotting your next rascal moves.
And you smile at us when you have trown and broken something.
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Ummi and Abah feels strongly that you are pampered over there.
But isnt pampering you good?
It seems that pampering you has somehow backfired...
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Maybe Ummi should just let Tok from Abah's side discipline you.
Tok is a disciplinarian. And Ummi don't agree with how he discipline you.
But maybe since giving you alot of love and affection has spoilt you, maybe Tok is right after all....
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Dada wants Ummi to get air Doa from Habib Abbas to "cure" your naughtiness...
Ummi finds that unnecessary.
Because to Ummi, doa Ibu is the best.
Ummi have done all things I can sayang, to ensure that your are on the straight path...
Abah have brought you to Habib Umar Bin Hafiz, Habib Salim Asyatiri, Habib Abbas , Ustaz Hasbi, Ustaz Abu Zaki and many more Alims and Ulama's to read doa and blow it on your head.
We even bring you to the Masjid every night so that you can hear the azan and may the Angels in the Masjid read doa's for you....So spiritually, you are not lacking... yet...
you behave as if you are spiritually lacking at your grandparents house.
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This problem needs to be tackled before Adik comes in this world.
Or maybe Adik can make you a more discipline toddler.
Ummi don't know how, but maybe if you know you are going to be a Role Model for Adik,
Maybe you will stop trowing dangerous things...
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Like Ummi said, It breaks my heart to use physical punishment,
But Ummi has no choice,
Ummi dont want my son to grow up like "Anakku Sazali"
Yeah call Ummi Dramatic, but this might happen you know...again * God Forbid*
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So later, Ummi and Abah is going to buy the cane.. The thin Rattan one...
The one that Ummi fears when Ummi was a kid myself.
And My dear son, Ummi and Abah plans to hang it up the wall,
somewhere prominent, where you can see and start fearing your self...."
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" Oh Allah ... please let me do the right thing...I really pray for your guidance "
15 comments:
Oh dear. Surely it hasn't become that bad. By all means, I really feel it for you. All my life I've been telling myself if I have a child of my own, I'll never lay a single finger to hurt him/her in any way possible. But I guess such thinking is wishful when the reality seeps in. Is there really no other alternative? May Allah S.W.T. provide you with the best solutions to deal with this.
You know hajar, I also always say i will never hit my child the way my dad discipline me when i was young..with the belt !
but its seems rather impossible....my son hasnt even begun talking back to me yet Im already using the belt to threatened him if he dont want to sleep or is naughty....yeah wishful thinking really....
in the end, the belt jugak yang keluar....
: (
Dear,
i don't know if this helps but you can try time out.
Nadhirah
Dear Nadirah,
He is rather pampered and I dont think he understands whats "time out" or "face the wall"...and if Im the one scolding him, he will go and find someone else to sayang him.
but no harm trying... thanks .
is part and parcels of the boy's growing, my dear. sometimes caned does works when educating them verbally failed. DO NOT cane them first, show them the cane and explained why the cane will comes in handy if he is naughty. dont ever raise the cane and start whacking when he misbehaves, cause too much caning will leads to rebel too..
teach and tell them slowly, they'll learn, dont worry.
this is hard..and me thinking abt this already sends shivers imagining my laith as well...i second to what lycc says...my abah never uses the cane and will slow talk and mak pulak will beat us with whatever she can reach, we grew up closer to Abah..but i don't know is it bec of the soft approach or otherwise..but dun use the cane too often bec i read up that it might no longer be a threat to them once they gt hang of beating..
gosh, its hard!
:(
Just to share, my parents never beat me and my sis up. Alhamdulillah, we didn't grow up to be rebels..not even in our teenage years..we were taught to be independent and to reason.My mom says anak anak mesti dibesarkan dengan kasih sayang, bukan dengan kekerasan. I hope you will find a way out without resorting to the cane. I just felt it might inspire more dislike in him towards the people who beat him up rather than love. Not pampering may mean you don't always give in to whatever he wants, but does not mean you absolutely have to use the cane.
just sharing, you may accept it or you may not.Besides, if you really want to learn the most beautiful way of teaching a child, learn from Rasullulah s.a.w. He never beat up any child.
Nadhirah
Depends on the situation..light tap on the hand if your child did that again and a firm deep no and look into the eyes..and pause for awhile..to each child,his own...it may work for one but doesnt always work for another..you see how it is and use your strong motherly inituition to deal with your beloved child.
Applause when he was in that same exact place/position n not throwing anything..applause hard when he was caught not taking anything n throw and normally praising n applausing for being good is something they would love to gain.
I am not comfortable reading one Anonymous here pointing out someone else's child with the father's name spelled out..please show respect and do no exhibit aib..
Assalamu'alaikum wr. wb.,
Some pointers to in dealing misbehaviour and carrying out punishments:
1. Different child reacts differently to a type of punishment. This applies too, to different gender of child.
2. Parents MUST find out what has he/she done.
3. Parents MUST carry out the punishment/s so that child can learn the values and lessons from immediate family. If others were to carry out the punishment,parents MUST work hand-in-hand with the 3rd party.
4. If soft approach doesn't work, resort to a harsh one. This is modelled by Rasulullah s.a.w. in facing challenges from his enemies. Some approaches - counsel, get the child clear the mess(if they are older enough), deprive child of favourites e.g. toys or cancel outdoor activity.
5. Give chances to the child. Then if child does not abide to rules, punishment MUST be carried out - to learn the severity of the act.
6.Parents MUST "WALK THE TALK" and hide all emotions when punishment deals are activated.
7. Upon punishment, leave the child for sometime to be alone before "berdamai" lagi.
8. During "berdamai" the peacemaker has to support the disciplinarian and rationalise matters with the child.
9. If punishment is to be carried out, it has to be done, there and then. If done later, small kids will not remember the incident, hence find no connection between the punishment and the incident happened hours or days ago.
10.Corporal punishment is the last resort and this is to be done if the act is considered serious "offence".
Wassalam.
Ummu Mukhtaar
Salaams :
Firstly thank you for all the comments...
Let me read and re-digest again and again.
Its a difficult phase for me but its something every parent will have to go through.
" To Cane or Not To Cane..."
We have bought 2 canes. 1 at my parents house, and 1 in the car. I dont see a need for one at my own place.
We have not used it on him yet...* I cant ever bear to use it on him* but have used it to threatened him and it has seems to work. It hurts to see the fear in his eyes when he sees the cane and when he hears the swooshing sound of the cane. Again he waives his hands to silently say " No dont".
Ive made it clear to my dad that I dont believe in caning. Full stop. If it really has to be done, I will let my hubby handle the situation. Let me be the soft one who councels and let hubby be the disciplinarian.
My mum was the understanding one and we grew really close to her. My dad used to cane us becos simply we were naughty.
While I grew to listen to my dad and always wanting to be good and proper, my brother at one point of his life rebelled. I guess, different kids, different results.
I do use the "Applaud method" when he is good and the firm tap on the hands when he is naughty. But my weakness is or everyone's weakness in the household is when he we beat him, and he cries, we quickly come to his rescue and comfort him.
Ummu Mukhtaar, your comments on disciplining is rather complex and I guess I will have to put my emotions aside in order to discipline effectively.
I'll discuss this more with my hubby.
Jazak'allahu Khairan.
Wasallam.
ummu mukhtar..you've spoken my thoughts well. disciplining kids takes a lot of approach...sometimes me and hb are at losing ends. and diff kids have diff personalities for us to handle them.
we used corporate punishment (taps her hand at most) if its an intolerable mistake. aisyah likes to hit the person if she didn't get things her way. hitting people close to her can lead to being someone who dares to hit other ppl back.
she will bawl after we tap her hand but after shes calmed down we explain to her why shes being hit and make her promise not to repeat it again (which she will repeat, of cos).
some acts like throwing tantrums and not wanting to sleep, I will just talk to her at eye level and reason wif her that by not having enuff sleep, her eyes will be tired and red and she won't grow up properly, bla bla.
im sure as a ftwm, you have more challenges than a sahm since you're tired at the end of the day. every parents hope their kids will behave and I hope you will sail thru this with your hb's support...insyaAllah. :)
Salaams Norza :
Firstly Congrats on the birth of your 2nd child Sarah !! : P
Alhamdullilah....
For Little Habib, Taps on his hands does not seem to work anymore. Sometimes after being naughty, he gives me his hands voluntarily to get Tapped!
I was just wondering if it would be easier to discipline a girl compared to a boy... Thanks for sharing... : )
Assalamu'alaikum wr. wb.,
Just sharing...
Reasons why a type of punishment is no longer effective is because 1.it is be done without the child getting the impact of it. for example, the child does not feel the pain of it. Kalau nak pukul, biar rasa sakit pada pukulan yang pertama.
2.the child does not see the connection between the mistake he has done and also the punishment given.
3.it is carried out not seriously or inconsistently.
4.it is carried out too often, and it is considered abuse.
5.it has no follow-ups (reasoning sessions) and reminders. Biar mulut ini berbuih, satu hari anak itu belajar jugak.
6.the act is modelled by others in his environment.
7.it is done by others and not by his/her own parents. Therefore the child has "power" over his/her parents. In other words, "pijiak kepala" mak bapak
8.the child is too young too understand. In this case, gertak saje and once in the blue moon, "kalau nakal sangat yang membawa bahaya, biar dia disengat, dan terus dia ingat." Insya Allah.
9. the punihsment does not suit the child and situation.
10. there is any party who side the child and condemn the disciplinarian. In this case, child is confuse and confide in his RESCUER.
What we want is a WIN-WIN situation - both child and parents gain.
And of course, du'a ibu jangan putus.
Wassalam.
Ummu Mukhtaar
One more point to note:
If a child continue to misbehave, it is a way of him/her to get attention. How is this possible?
The child does not get enough positive attention from his parents/caregivers. When he/she misbehave, he gets attention from that particular person - that person will be with him e.g. scolding, nagging and punishing.
Wassalam
*Giving a child attention is another long topic by itself.
Ummu Mukhtaar
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