I begin with - Al fateha

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Project Discipline ...

Project Discipline have taken off ever since it dawned on me that I have to start early when it comes to evaluating Little Habib's behaviour.

*** Thanks to all mummies who have replied me and emailed me. I have read all of them more than twice and am more clear now.

Before this, Ive always thought that my baby was too young to even begin behaving well, and him being the only child, I rarely notice his anti social behaviour. I was caught up with bringing him to mosque, meeting Habibs and being close spiritually that I forgot that all this is not possible if I don't instill disipline.
Only lately, after mixing him with Toddler Muktaar, Auni , and other kids around, it was rather apparent that he dont understand the word SHARE and he'd rather play on his own , being caught up in exploring his surroundings. Its interesting to watch cos you see his eyes moving around and its like his brains are working as a fast speed on what to do next, which toy to pick , and whats the next interesting thing he can bite !

* Little Habib has always been friendly and cuddley to us, his closest family, his grandparents too but never was he a smiley baby to others unless he has warmed up. Ummu Nabil once said that my baby's smile was really expensive cos she seldoms see him smile compared to her baby Nabil
( remember ? )
Well, a talk with my mom revealed something interesting but might not be related. My mum said that when I was a toddler, I was also like little Habib. I dont like to share my toys, I seldom smile to outsiders and heck, I even throw sand at the eyes of another toddler who attempted to be friend me at the playground ! So could Little Habib inherit his Ummi's childhood behavior ??

Also another point to note was that when I was pregnant with Little Habib, my Hubby said that he wanted our son to be garang in character like Saidinah Omar R.A... so could his doa be Makbul ? .. ok, maybe Im out of point here...

* Second point is, as many of the other mummies mention, Little Habib is the only child to working parents. So he will naturally be selfish, and crave for attention, hence the shouting when he wants his ways.
As much as I agree on that, I will not give up that one day, he will outgrow this and change to be the sweetest man. Here's a true encounter ; Hubby and I were discussing this issue last few nights. My hubby said that its does not mean a child with a full-time mother will turn out good and vise versa. Like in Tasawwuf, there are many ways to reach one's destination. With alot of doa, and always finding whatever time we have with little Habib to behave properly, insya'allah, Little Habib will turn out right. I was rather scepticle as I felt that compared to full time mummies, I was at a losing end so Hubby said, he will find me an example. After that meaningful discussion at Mak's place, we proceeded to solat Isyak at Masjid Kassim.

Lo and behold! as if Allah swt wanted to send me a message, at the masjid itself, Hubby met his friend whom we both always admire for being Alim and smart, ( NTU ) student by the way. We found out that his mum is working full-time eversince he was a baby and until now. He said that having full time mothers does not mean that the baby will turn out way wards. Its how you bring the child up, the values you impart when you are with the child. Hubby was happy that he could find me an example. Hubby pointed out that as long as we do our best, show him the right examples, show him how to be close to Allah, and insya'allah, he will remember his parents for being rightous and he will turn out fine.

As for me, I can only doa that Little Habib grows up with full of iman and good knowledge and do my best even as a full time working mother.

Seriously, I want Little Habib to grow up saying that he admires his Ummi for helping his Abah maintaining the financial stability as well as cope with housework and parenting. ( i can't quit my job as long as my hubby dont give me permission to ) ....Its not easy, but with the right intention, I hope Allah (swt) helps me, HE knows best.. I can sense that there is already help. Looks at how many good friends I have that are willing to share parenting tips with me !

* Thirdly, Kids will be kids, and they tend to like to explore. My neighbour ( an alim Indonesian expat ) reasonly told me that the reason our kids are not creative because as parents, we always says NO to this and NO to that and Dont Touch this and Dont go there etc. In a way, he is right. I want to give Little Habib the freedom of exploring, as long as there is a watchful eye on him.

* I have started to pinch him and 'kuti' his fingers when he misbehaves in the car or if he touch the switch board and he does not like it, sometimes he looks down and sad. It breaks my heart too, but I have too no matter how mean I seemed. I take this from Ummu Nabil who has a good firmed character but soft at times.

* Last point that I need to express in my post is something what my friend Ummu Mukhtaar say in her sms to me today. I was telling her that Little Habib loves attention and he is very clingy to me and hubby that sometimes I wish my baby would be more independent. And Ummu Mukhtaar said something to the effect that " do treasure his clingyness now, because when he grows up, and is independent, we will miss their attention. It will be the other way around. "

Oh bloggy... Little Habib is a boy, and boys tend to be independent, going out of the house to seek knowledge and spending more time in the masjid..so where does that leave me, his Ummi ? Gosh, I feel like crying !!

" Little Habib, if you grow up and ever chance upon this post, then Ummi hope you understand how much I love you, eventhough Ummi leaves you for work, Ummi tries my best to put interest in your life and at you are always important in Ummi and Abah's life "

meantime, Project disipline still continues....


Ummu Mukhtaar said...


Discipline in car or any vehicle, etc...

When Mukhtaar was small like lil habib, we allow him to stand, but holding on to him.

When he's able to understand our conversation and take instruction, we "nag" each time in the vehicle, "Mukhtaar, when we are in the car/bus, we sit down." He will not understand till little accident happen, like he hit the back of front seat. Then we will repeat, "see you knocked onto the seat. When we are in the car, we ...sit down." Gradually he will sit, but we always remind him.

Upon carrying out, praise with positive words. Thus improve vocab.

Phrase to use,
"When I/we ....., we must/will/have to ...."

Talking about pinching or any other physical ways to discipline, they are considered physical abuse. To tell you the truth, most of the times they don't work as kids will do something they think that is not wrong, but to us is wrong.

I always use the word, "Ouch!" to mukhtaar to convey pain so as to avoid him touching the material/thing. E.g. Pls don't touch the stove, otherwise, ouch, ouch. Again he will somehow experience the meaning of my words.

So... use words to convey. Try very best not to use naughty as kids like lil habib is yet to know the world. In addition, when we say no, no what?! No, do not jump on the bed, what happen if you fall down? Ouch, ouch.

In talking to small kids, go down to their level and talk eye to eye. If he looks around while you talk to him, place your hands in between his face, and direct it to your face. This is a way to ensure he's focus while you talk to him.

I hope you go strong in your project. Accidents do happen, so we convey the message to the kid. Kalau dia hurt somebody, tell him that, " see that girl cry, she ouch, ouch coz you throw sand/toy. Let's say sorry to her." Then bring him to the girl, rub the hurt area and blow and say sorry, though he's not able to say. Then give the girl a hug (teach empathy). I am doing that to bond Mukhtaar and Zainah.

Likewise at home, when he's hurt, let him cry 1st. Dah nangis, get closer to him and ask where is he feeling pain. Then rub the area, blow the area, for me i kiss the area. It works magic. Your child will surely smile widely and walaa! the pain gone. And he will back to his play again.

Ummi, you need not follow all the e.g., You can adjust based on your attachment and love for him.

I will try my very best to share with you my knowledge and experience. It won't be easy as a working and a mother.


Ummi's BLOG said...

these r v useful tips..
truth be told, i also hate it when I have to pinch him, he doesnt understand it anyway..to him, it may be "ummi dont love me..."

RedHerring said...

Salaam Ummi,

I have to disagree on point 2! LOL..

Your boy not selfish lah, he's just doesn't have enough experience and exposure mingling with other kids. BEEEEEG difference ;D

Good luck, girl!

RedHerring said...

Part two of my 2 cents' worth (Nursing break tadi; Nabil was whining for his 'cow'. Heh)

Reserve flicking/tapping baby's hands for the last resort. Bila dah berbuih mulut kasi repeated warning barulah jentik/tepuk. Tu pon jangan lah sampai melalak. Hee. If baby persists in doing what you warn him against, take him away from the object of interest and distract him with something else that is not taboo.

I hagree with your hubby; there is no guarantee that a child of a SAHM will eventually turn out better than a child of a FTWM. Beyond our efforts, the rest is in Allah hands. So do your best, let Him do the rest ;)

Ummi's BLOG said...

Salaams my dear,
sure point noted... i find that at this age, he just dont get it when I say NO to touching the switchboards.. that seems to be his favourite thing...

Ummi's BLOG said...

Its just my woes as a FTWM, sometimes there is this fear that Little Habib might lose out and become wayward, but like you said, "let HIM do the rest", and lots of doa before that too...

thanks for sharing yr views.

Ummu Mukhtaar said...

Salaam Ummi,

I always try the win-win method in most situations, if they require.

An example of a switchboard is a good one. Win-win method is one that benefits both parties and both parties achieve what they want. It is a matter of spending more time in this method.

Before starting the car, if Lil Habib demands to have the switchboard to himself, let him be for about 5 minutes or so if you are not in a hurry. Then if he still hold on to it after a period of time distract him to sit at the back seat. Hence both mother and child are in a win-win situation.

But of course, this method is not applied to all situations. There are times when you must remove the child from the situation if it is dangerous, as mentioned by one of the comments. Explanation comes later.

When mukhtaar was very small and he was not yet aware of the switchboard, we allow him to sit in front with me. But later, when he got "touchy", its time for him to sit at the back seat with me. Hence removing the necessary car distractions, so to speak. The main distraction that I use is the outside surrounding, seeking him to see the outside world.

Happy trying!

RedHerring said...

I think it's a universal fear of being parents lah. Long before I reached the legal age of ______(insert anything that needs a minimum age: marriage, cigarettes, driving license etc), I confided in my father that should I ever deign to settle down, I did not want kids, partly because I thought I'd make a lousy parent and raise ahli perosak masyarakat instead of ahli pembina masyarakat (how's that for negative thinking?? parah, kan?). But my father said the same thing: "do your best, the rest..." and he raised his hands heavenwards.

Trust is a terrible, alien concept for me ;)

Now that we're here, nose-deep in motherhood, we just have to work hard and trust Him.

Besides, what with you bringing Little Habib around to meet ulamas and getting him accustomed to suasana majlis ilmu/ masjid, there will be positive effects later on in his life Insya Allah :) Mesti kena tempias ilmu & barakah punya!

Anyway, kalau jadik SAHM pastu ajar anak karaoke, tengok MTV, main mahjong, beli 4D pon buat apa kan? (Laugh, Ummi, cos that's a joke to kill your Monday blues).

By the way, here's a shout out to Sis Ummu Mukhtaar: Please keep the tips coming, thank you! Very the useful, you know. Banyak ilmu kitorang boleh ceduk dari awak :D

Ummi's BLOG said...

yeah i did laugh terbahak bahak when i read yr comment..cute ! hehe ur v witty lah sis...
kills my monday blues and give me some semangat...

yeah, thanks ummu mukhtaar.. banyak pahala u dapat share ilmu ngan kita orang...