When will this stop ?

I tossed and turned last night thinking of the words that were uttered ......

Subtlely it was being put across trying to hide the meaning, but I am not stupid and I know what it meant. I pretended not to understand and said I'm OK with the plans.

I wonder, when will it stop? When I become a housewife? When death hits anyone of us ? or When illness struck so repentance can seep in the heart ? God Forbid, I pray it does not come down to that.

Alhamdullilah, even with the test that befalls on hubby and me ever since we got married 3 years ago, we somehow still maintain our Iman and patience and in fact it has made us look at things at a different perspective. I respect hubby's views and he has supported my stand when I disagree.

Hubby and me, we do have a loving relationship and time and time again, I respect him for his patience and positiveness. Yes, we do bump into rocks in the garden, but usually communication helps and I realised that we have to give and take to make it work. When things are upsetting, Go back to our Deen. It is the light that will help us. Our Deen.. what Rasullulah (saw) has thought us.

Its been 3 years, and the test that we face, this particular test that Allah (swt) have sent us have not change 1 bit. In fact, I fear it will get worse.

There is this person in our lives that is nice on the outside to us but at times, this person trows a bomb and shake the peaceful life that we have.

This person talks behind our back and criticised us.
When it comes to parenting, we are criticised.
When it comes to buying Insurance for our son, we were criticised.
When it comes to putting our son in a playgroup, we were criticised,
When it comes to bringing our son to the mosque, we were criticised.

Basically, we were and still am being blamed for many things even though hubby and me are very happy with how we lead our lives and how we bring up our children and how we manage our finances and we try our best to be good people.

To us, our children are our PRIORITY, and if we have that bit of savings or extra money at the end of the month, it will be for our children to benefit. We also want to have a holiday fund, a 'tea-tarik and mee goreng' fund, a weekend fund asides from our normal responsibilities.

Being inflexible and only holding on to Principles will only cause much problems which have been proven time and time again in front of our eyes. ( when it came out the second time and the 3rd time will only be game over for them ).

Time and Time again, we forgave this person and offer our salams and slowly continue our lives as if it didn't happen, as if we were not hurt, as if it didn't affect us. In a different perspective, we cant blame this person 100%. There must be a reason whey we are being treated this way. We may have offended this person unknowingly. Allah (swt) knows best.

Being the emotional one, I often share my disappointments to hubby on why are other people so concern about the way we lead our lives when we are perfectly fine with it. Yes, if we need help, we will approach the wise. But when we ourselves are perfectly fine, why do people criticised our move. Ya Rabb, with the birth of my second child ( insya'allah ), please grant sakeenah and Rahmah in our family.

Whenever I tell hubby, its NOT Fair, he tells me Allah (swt) is Fair. Whenever I tell hubby I don't understand, he tells me to leave it in the hands of GOD. He is sad too, but he makes doa alot.

Yesterday, I loss some sleep thinking about how that one being can be so calculative as to count even the amount of gas. GAS, FOOD, even if its not being paid the correct sum for, Isn't it Charity and isn't Charity noble and brings one Pahala and Good Deeds and Isn't having more Good Deed what we all want in our book of Deeds which will ultimately help us in Akhirat when the scale is weighing our Deeds and Sins ?

Masya'allah...... I am really loss for words. OK Please...I wont talk about this person anymore...I just need to let it out. Let me stop now as I don't want to open one's Aib, but when I have written is for me to LEARN and Reflect.

You know, I used to be like that..well not so much to calculate gas, but I don't like to share my toiletries with my siblings. I have my own toiletries basket which I keep in my room. I hate it when people use my things without my permission and hate to use my savings when I have to on " rainy days ".

After I got married, and live a life together with my hubby, I learn to share and not culcalate as hubby is not a calculative person at all and he always tells me that if we calculate againsts humans, Allah (swt) will calculate against us and when Allah (swt) calculates the ni'mat that he gives us, it will put us in the WRATH of destruction.

So Alhamdullilah, I have changed. And while money, petrol , and time are precious, I try not to think twice when it comes to helping people as these wealth are all Duniya. What we all should think of is Akhirat. Insya'allah If we think of Akhirat, Allah the Merciful will take care of our Duniya. Anyway, its really hard to find pahala these days... so giving a lift to anyone in need of it does not kill me. In fact, personally, I feel good that Ive done a good deed.

My hope is that when I look back and read this post, it will remind me to never hold a calculative attitude towards my children, family members and friends. Especially to my son and future child. Insya'allah. Our children are our AMANAH.

While it is rightful for them to return the favours when we are old, we should not expect it. When we don't expect and leave it in the hands of Allah to give them guidance, we will be taken care off.. Insya'allah. Amiin.

Wasallam.