It hasnt been a cheery friday morning. Luckily, my chirpy colleague Amy cheers me up with her talkative nature and funny jokes.
I have started reading the book A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS and again, it has drain my happiness and covered me with much heart ache.
I really dont know why I am drawn to reading his books when I know I am not emotionally strong. Its only fiction, my sister reminded me again not to get too attach to the story, but i am just complelled to believe Dr Khalid's words which he spoke through his blog entry on how he visited the villages in Afganistan to gather facts and inspiration for his book.
This book is about 2 woman, married to the same abusive husband and how their lives are tortured by him. Not to mention the kids who have to witness the man's brutally abusive nature. My heart....aches... Mariam, Laila, Azizah and the boy.
I am 3/4 past the first page and everytime I close the book unable to go on reading, I find myself opening the pages once again to continue reading, when I am emotionally better.
Last night was not smooth as well.
I am truly disappointed with my lack of patience in which today, I have renewed hope to do better the next time it happens.
We arrived home late and I was nursing a headache. Prior to reaching home, I had gone all the way to pasir ris myself after work to visit a respected aunty to gain some knowledge from her. After an hour or so in the house filled with only her sisters and her mum ( like the Golden Girls ) , I decided it was time for me to take the feeder bus to the mrt station to go home. This would be the end of such visits as she has forbit me to come alone at night to visit her again. Of cos she welcomes me in the day, but my hubby and my son should be my priority she says. I hugged her and went home. She was only concern for my safety. If only I was brave enough to drive. She wouldnt have been so worried for me then.
At home past 10pm, as I was in the bath and hubby was praying Isyak, my dear son cried as he was afraid of being alone in the room and that crying had caused him to vomit part of his dinner onto the walls and the bedsheets of my room. Little Habib cried .... I cried ( upon seeing the mess ) and you can imagine that everything after that went downhill. As hubby cleaned him up, I wiped those walls and mop the floor , still crying. When all was clean and I had cooled down, I tucked my boy in bed, kiss his sleepy face like any loving mother would do. "Sorry sayang, its not your fault. Ummi just went nuts for awhile." ..... Please Allah, give me the patience.
This is my new Quran which I bought 2 days back at Mahmood's shop - Kedai sheikh Umar Alhatib @ Joo Chiat Cplx. Its is "rasam Othmani".. my mengaji teacher told me to get this one. It was only available in Blue, Gold and a shade of boring pink.
I might not be posting much entries now. You see bloggy, I have commited myself to learning how to read the Quran.
I first learnt in in 2002 starting from the Iqra' book. Slowly I progressed to reading the Quran, but had stop the lessons when I got married 3 years ago. I never really read it with much zest again, only prefering to read surahs which I was farmiliar with like akhir surah AlBaqarah.
Last Tuesday, I took a leap of faith and decided again to re-learn it upon hubby's encouragement. He was cheesed of hearing me read the Quran at home and making the mistakes in my hurufs and Tajwid. So I went to Cik Z's house to learn after work.
Cik Z is my friend Ummu Nabil's mother. And somehow, I feel bad for her, cos my reading is terrible and she has to be patient with me. It isnt easy I think.
My harokats are wrong, not to mention I get my sot dot , tho zho mixed up and I slowly read the lines instead of running through it like the other girl who is atteding the lesson as well. I feel like hiding in a hole, cover myself up ..... but as hubby mentions to me " it isnt easy learning Ilmu "...
I am more determined to make a fool out of myself here at the table and learn, then look like a fool infront of Allah (swt) one day. I fear Allah (swt) more, than getting myself embarassed. So I shall be brave and persevere. Meantime, Im still thinking If I should demote myself back to that Iqra' book.
So 2008 will be the year, Ummi learns to read the Quran... again.... Insya'allah.
Innallàha wa malâikatahû yusallûna 'alan-nabiyy, yâ ayyuhalladhîna âmanû sallû alayhi wa sallimû taslîmâ. (Allah and His angels send blessings on the Prophet: O ye that believe! Send ye blessings on him, and salute him with all respect.) 33:56