I begin with - Al fateha

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


** 1st part deleated **

Taken from Hilal Ibn Al-Ala from the book ''THE BEGINNING OF GUIDANCE'' Written by Imam Ghazali (r.a)
'' When I forgave and bore no rancour to anyone,
I gave rest to myself from anxiety about enemies.
I greet my enemy when I see him,
That I may expel evil by greetings.
I express cheerfulness to a man I hate
as if he has done many delightful things for me. ''

Imam Ghazali (ra) said

'' There is another thing which will keep you from backbiting fellow Muslims, namely, you should examine yourself to see whether there is any open or hidden vice in you and whether you are committing any sins, secretly or publicly.

If you find that this is so in your own case, you may be sure that the other man's inability to free himself from what you attribute to him is similar to your liability, and his excuse is similar to you excuse.

Just as you dont like to be openly criticized and having your vices mention, so does he.

If you veil him, GOD will veil your faults for you.

If you criticize him openly, God will give sharp tongues of power over you to impair your reputation in this world and in the world to come, and God will criticize you before all creatures on the Day of resurrection. ''


Ihsan said...


I am sensitive too, if people say things about me. Usually, I weep to myself, and then discover I don't really care.

If the person has potential to ruin or affect your marriage, you are allowed to avoid the person. I have one person I have to avoid in order to save myself and the person, and yet I cannot totally avoid the person coz we are related. But I ask Allah (swt), to keep the person away as far as possible, in order to save my iman and the person's iman. This has been made possible, alhamdulillah - in many ways, I see His Help. At first, I thought I should forgive and continue the ties as it was, but every day, I saw that I am emotionally affected by the person, and the person is deteriorating because of me. So, I avoid, for the sake of Allah.

You and the person will both be affected by all these - so in effect, avoiding the person might be saving yourself from unnecessary emotional stress and saving the person from committing false accusations unknowingly. This is important bcoz the person may not realise he/she is making mistakes.

Of course, you don't need to sever ties - patience is a virtue, as you mentioned. But, you should consider the emotional effect on yourself, which may in the long term, affect you (& your husband) more than you can imagine. Perhaps avoiding talk about your marriage is a good idea.

I am just offering my opinion based on experience. However, it is always good to get advice from an Alim. :)

Ummi's BLOG said...

thks for sharing yr experience.. whose not sensitive huh ? its a feeling that Allah have put in us humans..

I really dont know how to avoid this person because i care too much to avoid her..
i never spoke much abt my marriage to her, I have nothing to hide anyway, its just that she hears it from a 3rd party and make assumptions. eg She sees actions like me buying milk powder and assumes that my hubby is not responsible over my son.

ohhh... i wish i can find a solution to this.. since she is not a person with a strong faith, its really no point for me to advise her on whats wrong and right in Islam.. but if she reads my blog and understand these feelings, at least thats a start.

thks..im contemplating on seeing my ustazah to ask for advise... im really feeling down from all the accusations which is not even true in the first place and most of all, I dont want it to affect little Habib.

Ummi's BLOG said...

ihsan.. u know, ur an alim too..so thks for yr advise..

but to avoid her is almost impossible since a 3rd party will go after me to be on good terms again with her and no matter what, the 3rd party will say, since I belajar ugama, i have to make the first move to end this argument and be the one to make the 1st move to talk again.

that has happen time and time again.

Ihsan said...

Heh...now it sounds like a case of an over-protective friend.

Anyway, when I had the problem, I told my teacher from A to Z, then, he gave me advice.

Hope you work it out.

nor said...


im no good in words...hope this virtual ((HUGS)) will help.

Ihsan said...

No, lah I'm not. Anyway, better to ask ustazah. Depending on the situation...and how harmful the words are, you may get different advice - either to avoid or to just be patient. Fitnah is alikened to killing a person, bcoz the harms are greater than one can imagine, with Syaitan saying things to all parties involved.

Cheer up lah...you still have little habib with a halo.

Ummi's BLOG said...

yes.. fitnah is v harmful.. thats y its better not to say things that one is not sure off right...

hee hee.. yeah, thinking of little Habib makes me just want to forget everything and move on. :)
he does not deserve to see such meaningless sadness from his ummi.

Ummu Mukhtaar said...

Salaam to you

"Subhanaka inni kuntu minadz-dzaalimeen" to me is one of the recommended adzkar in facing people whom we think have affect adversely in our everyday life especially those who always have su-u-dzon(bad thoughts).

Don't worry so much, as women we are driven at times by our emotions, that drives us down. Me too has faced with such people. And yes, things that look ok in our lives will make us depress if we were to think so much of their negative comments. May Allah grants us Great Patience and strength to face these people. May Allah provides guidance to these people. Ameen.

Ummi's BLOG said...

thks sis nur.. huggies to u too..

ummu mukhtaar, thats what i doa too, for that person to be given guidance...i really dont have the strenght to engaged in another sparring of words with her.. she talks really well, and i can only cry when i hear what she says..

so there is no point..i have to tebal kan my muka, face her and just hope the relationship mends itself.. im just wondering how i can get rid of the hurt that she has caused me.. maybe things will never be the same again.. maybe it will .. only Allah can determine that.

Anonymous said...

Ummi, I don't know if being direct helps. The next time this person makes comments which you know are baseless and untrue, perhaps, instead of trying to be defensive and submissive, just say: "Funny you think that way but that's not how it is." Say it firmly and leave it at that. (I know my words would be so much less demure than that when it comes to defending my family. Bapak Nabil has a lioness on a leash. Hee..)

Then walk away feeling utterly SMUG that you life is REALLY so much better than what she thinks. Heh. (I know this is a rather unIslamic suggestion to make, but I can't help being cheeky. Dah, senyum sket!)

I agree with Ihsan that you may want to distance yourself from this person. Some people are just damaging and after a while, you find that you're better off without them. And you will say: "Duh, should've done that years ago!"

~Ummu Nabil

Anonymous said...


Dearest Ummi ... it is pretty depressing to read your blogs these days. :) You are totally engulfed and possibly 'drowning' in your sorrows. I gather this 'fren' of yours is a real pain in the bum2 but hey, havent we all met our fair share of those kinds. As with the others who have commented, I agree that distancing yourself would be for the better. No one is telling you to be cold or rude or nasty. Be civil but there is no need for closeness.

Now listen up ... I think your hubby is a wonderful man, YOU are a very sweet girl and Little Habib is .. no matter what u think, is not so little ok. He is real bundle. I would know cos I have carried him and boy, did my arms hurt! Now.... So what if ONE person doesnt agree with that?

"No one can make u feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

May Allah gives you peace and happiness of the dunia and akhirat. :)

love... K KiN

Anonymous said...

I face a similar problem as to you, what I think is, Allah rewards those who are patient and good things happen to good people.
If you want a muslimah sister to share your woes and not give a destructive opinion, do email me ok;)
i will be more than willing to offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on;)



Mas said...
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mas said...
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Anonymous said...

hi dear.. i didnt really manage to read your entry before it was deleted but i can sense that you're upset.. feel free to email me k and share your grievances.. how bz i may be.. you know im here to always lend you my shoulder for you to cry on.. afterall what are cousins for right.. for the record i personally think your hubby is a truly wonderful man ;)

*hugs* Id

Ummi's BLOG said...

salaams Id... thx. Im okie now. It was wrong of me to wrote abt that person because eventhough there were no names involve and I did wrote my real feelings, it made that person v unhappy and i really dont want to make anyone unhappy really...so thats y i deleated it.

Its best that i forget that incident and move on. Whoever is right or wrong, I can only leave it for Allah al-mighty to judge.

hee..im sure my dear Hubby wld be happy to hear that u said that abt him but he will sure say ''nolah im just a simple guy .. nothing wonderful. ''

Take care !

Ummi Shaz