Lately, I can feel myself evolving into a much different lady with a different set of personality.
It cant be a midlife crisis one so often calls such things. It also cannot be menopause too... hur hur hur....
Its just that I can feel the change so greatly that I myself cant stop it because I feel comfortable in such state. I feel peaceful.
For one, I no longer talk for not much reasons. Malays term it as menceceh... I dont menceceh anymore..
When I talk, I like the topic to be something good or something helpful.
I like to help my friends, give opinions but it has to be a helpful constructive opinion and no longer just discing anyone or anything.
And the only time I talk silly is with my little baby Habib. With him, I can be the most cutesie ummi.
But putting little Habib aside,
I prefer to just keep quiet, think to myself, keep the thoughts to myself, analyst to myself, smile and just look and blog of course.
We all mellow as age passes and mellowness can come anytime. Its not that Ive become anti social.
Heck, I still love to be in the company of my love ones, relatives, friends and colleagues.. but the crook of the matter is, I dont want my silence to be term as sensitivity or anti social but more of maturity and self restrian.
Unless its something that I simply have to let it out or need advise, I will look for hubby. Hubby is the most grounded person I know. HUBBY is one of my pillars of strength.
He seldom talks following emotions unlike us women. It could be a guy thing.
When I talk to women, most of the time, emotions will take over and sometimes that may be no good unless its a good advise over an opinion.
Hubby have thought me a lot of self-restrain, and patience that I sometimes just talk to him to share instead of asking him for an answer as I know what he will say.
He also noticed the change in me and just advise me to be moderate in everything.
Today, on our way to work , he told me that whenever I have a problem, depend on Allah ( swt ). Dont depend on human beings.
Human beings will only disappoint us. This applies to everything eg work, friendships.
Ask from Allah ( swt ) and he will help. Do good to Allah ( swt ).
Me: dear, how do we be good to Allah ? (i know silly question but i just like to tab from hubby's faith. )
Hubby : have lots of patience , zikir , think of Allah and do what he ask even if its the very basics such as prayers then du'a.
This he say was the advise that the late Almarhum Ustaz Abdillah often gave to his students.
Ustaz said Dont depend on humans, dont put yr dependent on a human being because humans can disappoint us but not Allah ( swt ) . Allah does things only for the best interest for us.
Almarhum Ustaz Abdillah also advised his students that when we want to seek an advise or opinion from a person, look first at his iman. Is the person someone who has iman ? Talk to people who are knowledgeable yet also practise Waraq in their daily life.
I hold true to my faith that Allah will help me, I just have to keep being on the straight path and believe. Like Bon Jovi's song 'KEEP THE FAITH'. Hee.
Lately too, I keep hearing a voice whispering to my ears. Its weird but I cant be insane because this voice only comes out when I tend to falter.
Anyway, Im sure many of us have voices to help us or the opposite. Its could be the angel on our right or on our left OR it also can be the wretched devil doing his work.
Just this morning, I was looking at the mirror and then I lamented in my thoughts Y is it so unfair for me. Y is my contributions not seen, and not told off yet for others, their good deeds are told so openly. Life can be so unfair.
Then this voice said to me '' y do u want people to know your good deeds or whats you've done.. as long as Allah knows, thats the most important. Allah knows everything good and everything done even if its as small as a sawi seed and Allah is ADIL.''
and then I said YES.. yes thats right.. I dont need for people to know my deeds. I dont need much recognition for Allah knows and He is fair and He will show when the time comes.
And then Im happy and I smile and I kept quiet and just blog about this because Im happy that I know that voice is my IMAN.