I dont know whats wrong with me nowadays.
The more spiritual I try to be, the more my nafs try to control me. How do I fight my Nafs ? ( Rasullulah ( saw ) says zikir. )
When i sit down to zikir, I feel like im going uphill and the pressure is great.
Here I am talking abt tasawwuf and maulids and qashidah, and another part of me thinks of buying a COACH bag n Hubby is against it. I can use the money for many other good bags, but but but I just cant forget COACH. Seriously, Im infatuated with the design.
Hubby dont encourage this interest as he dont want me to be the type of woman who follows the heart rather than logic. Eventhough he does sometimes lavish me with such gifts, spending $500 on a bag is just too much for him to agree on.
Its only logical that I use the $ for other useful things but maybe Im stubborn. Why is it so hard to be the type of wife who listens to the hubby ? I do listen, but most of the time, I ask for equality. Its must be because I earn my own pay, thats why I dare to overule ?
From my experience, everytime I dont listen to hubby, my decision will prove to be wrong as in tak berkat.
Hubby told me the other day that he loves me 100% but if Im not so stubborn with my thinking, he will love me 101%. It must be a subtle hint from him to guide me to the soleha path.
These few days, I have the urge to be a better wife. I want to change. I havent been the best, sometimes I try, sometimes I lack terriblely. Im pampered but how long will hubby keep pampering me ? I pray that its forever,
Luckily my hubby is patient and always give me space and chance to change and learn from my mistakes. He is near perfect in terms of akhlak. It must be from the teachings that he has received from almarhum Ustaz Abdillah. No matter how bad things become, he will still be the one who thinks rationally and be calm. While Im the one who always follow my heart which is not good. Is it a women thing ? I think so.
I remember my conversation with someone pious. I ever asked Mamu Yasin for advise on this and he advises me to change before hubby finds NO 2. ( scary thought ).... He says Its like if you keep having to polish a mirror and it gets cloudy again and again, wont you be tired of polishing it.
The other day, Ustaz Abu Hassan DIN said that to be a soleha wife takes 3 factors.
1. Ikut perintah Allah (swt ) and Rasullulah ( saw )
2. Lakukan apa yang suami suruh/kata selagi dibenarkan dalam syariah
3. Elakkan perbuatan atau perkara yang suami tak suka.
* Simple ? I feel Not so when we're leaving in akhir zaman with lots of cubaan *
After listening to this, I keep thinking to myself on how I can be a better wife. For a start, Ive been smiling more at hubby. After 2 years of marriage, i dont think i smile enough to hubby. Not sure if he has noticed my smiles but Ive been keeping track of my smiles just to remind myself that Im must keep trying until Ive attained the recognition from hubby.
Allah........I pray for guidance and to attain a status of soleha for the benefit of hubby , little habib and myself.